The Story Of Her

2011-08-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

The very last person I called in, was the one that had broken Melanie's heart in her time of desperate need, Nathan. As he walked in, I rated him a 5 our of 10. She certainly must look passed looks on somethings... Although his eyes WERE those of a deep endless blue. But there was an odd sense of darkness and lifelessness in them, as if extrovertly showing people he'd been through a lot. My impulse to tell him he could leave NOW was very strong, but I kept my composure, "Please, sit."
He obeyed, looking around the room. "I assume you know you're here by Melanie's request," I rhetorically asked.
He held up a slightly callused hand, "Wait-by REQUEST of MEL? I thought this was a mandatory cop thing, not Mel's death wish or something."
"I wouldn't call it a death wish more of a..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mother,
There are so many words I would like to say to you...I know I have always been a little hard to handle at times. Always wanting to do things, but I always did love you-more than you know...I'd like to tell you something though--whenever I went some place else like a friends, or grandma's house I always thought when I came back maybe you'd love me more. Maybe-JUST maybe you'd be so happy to see me you would hug me and apologize for being my worst nightmare. Each time my dreams were crushed, no matter where I was or how long I was gone the reaction was still the same. The way you would make my heart rip and bleed was almost unbearable...But I did not write this to yell or hurt you, I wrote it to show you JUST how much you meant to me.
Mom, no matter what hit me over this year I always (almost always) thought of your feelings first. I always wanted you to make you proud. I know this wasn't the way to do it, but you were my one and only Mom.
I love you,
Melanie

~~~
With the letter I also assed her a beautifully colored conshell with a note. Just by giving it to her made me want to cry right along side her.

Dear Ma,
This is the conshell you gave me when I was
eight...look at the colors, they always made me think of
the warm rising sun-know I am looking down
and watching over Gage IN that sun. Put it
to your ear-it will always whisper "I love
you" along side the whoosh of the ocean.

She looked at me like a puppy who was told it had done something bad, her eyes droopy and tired, "I had no idea."
I had nothing further to say to her as of now, "Please go in room 314 until I have finished with the rest, then I have one more thing to share with you."
~~~

Dear Dad,
Even writing this now I am crying-knowing fully that I have let you down once again. But it's the last time I promise...Your way of dealing with my rebelious stages or mistakes was always to talk it out-to say you love me at the end. Just seeing your face grow older, your voice grow thicker with an edge of annoyment was enough. Every time I let you down a piece of my soul would flow away in even the gentlest of breezes..I'm sorry. I always wanted to be your little girl, I always wanted to be care free and happy like I used to-but I had so many overwhelming problems I couldn't face, and telling you would make you that much more annoyed, that much more...enraged at my feelings. I wish I could go back and have a popcicle stained face, with you twirling me around the backyard...but it's too late for that.
Near the end all I wanted was your trust again, your strong arms to hug me and say
I love you...
That's okay Dad,
I love you more than the world,
Melanie

When I saw he had read it over a couple times, I gave him the things that were left in his box.

Dear Pops,
When Grandma showed me your
identity bracelet from elementry
I've kept it ever since. Knowing
your name was always on my
wrist, kept my head up through
some of the darj days. You were
the one I tried to be like the most.
My very own personal hero.

His big hands engulfed the little silver bracelet. Gently, he turned it inside out to see the writing. he gasped, "She...she engraved her name above mine."
"There's one more thing in the box for you," I said hesitantly, not knowing if he'd seen it or not.
his hand reached in and pulled out a sticker that said 'You be the Mel and I'll be the Daddy' one glance at that and the man burst into sorrowful cries once again.
~~~

2011-08-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
Even though my feelings for Nathan are still intense, Carson is my true knight in shining armor. I don't have to hide anything from him. He LOVES me for ME. I have never felt so complete with someone else...He stole my heart from the moment he whispered my name, from the moment his fingers wiped a stray drop on my cheek...from the moment his hand lingered on mine, I knew he was the one. All along. I am ever so hesitant to open up completely because he is leaving me-to a comittment he made before "us." But there's something inside me that just, PULLS me towards him, he's different.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Journal,
My father and mother are completely against Carson-they won't even so much as SEE HIM! And now that I'm grounded until my birthday (which is in 5 MONTHS) I'm not able to weasle my way into seeing him except for at school. I'm not even allowed to go to his graduation OR graduation party. I'm literally whithering away inside. Although I know Carson loves me, he is leaving in less then two weeks, and is going to be gone for more then a year...My heart rips and tears. I cry at night, knowing my life is dwindling into nothing, I don't WANT to hang on anymore. I have nothing to live for when he leaves. Nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Journal,
I am like an owl in the day-I don't see anything. I am like a deaf child-I do not hear anything. My senses are gone completely. My love for words and color is what is saving me from the rope in the garage or the pills in the bathroom cabinet...I purposely stay up at night and wake up early so I can crawl into my bed that night and think/dream of nothing. All my feelings are calculated for everyone to think everything is alright...If they saw the real Melanie at this point they would turn out like me. Numb, dark, nothing.
Sometimes just to FEEL SOMETHIING, I sit in the cold, to feel my fingers slowly ice over. Or I turn the shower to hot all the way, the burning is almost...reassuring-a comfort in the world of black and white. My laugh is as fake as our evergreen tree we have every Christmas. My smiles are glued on, to protect the ones I love.
Church is soon over. I will be confirmed-one with God, hopefully he'll accept me before then...I can't be here any longer-my body is just an empty case filled with a regretful, no common sensed, pained girl, wanting to let go of everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Journal,
No matter how painful it is waking up every morning, I don't want to let go of Gage, Missy, or Mark (my siblings.) I want to attend their weddings, I want to have neices and nephews, to give them advice, see them become something in life, have family dinners.
Not to mention I want to see it to my 21rst birthday, have a beer-graduate from High School, get married, have kids, become a famous artist, writer, a teacher, a farmer...to live life like how it's supposed to be. Free, loving, fun..I want to drive, to run on the beach barefoot, drink coconut juice, eat a gallon of chinese food, draw over an entire building with chalk-and everything else on my bucket list. -But I can't wait that long, I have the patience, just not enough bodily strength.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Journal,
My mind wonders to what exactly heaven would be like-would I GO to heaven? Will it hurt? -If God has a plan...is it meant for me to overcome this or end it now? I have no guidance from him no matter how much I pray. How am I supposed to know? Would he forgive me if I did? Can you marry in heaven? Can you own dogs? ...I want to be an angel. I want to watch over my family. I want to watch happily from the clouds as their lives unfold. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to walk in my grave every day. I would rather be TRULY happy, as a child of God, with a halo, perfectly curled hair, in a white flowing gown that would take anyone's breath away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Which one of you is Gage, Missy, and Mark?" I asked, a hint of joy in my voice to make them feel more at home.
The little girl with big buttercup borwn eyes spoke up, "I'm Missy. And this is my brother Mark-he's three." The little boy stood there staring at me with big blue eyes just like those in Melanie's school pictures. I turned to a handsome young man with a round, heart shaped face, "So you must be Gage?"
He didn't even acknowledge me whatsoever, "He...he doesn't talk much anymore cuz Melanie's gone."
The buttercup girl's eyes welled with tears that just came spewing down her cheeks, "I miss her."
Whew, this is harder than I thought it would be,"Well guess what Melanie gave me..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was expecting a tall dark featured, mysterious man to walk through the door next. But to my surprise he was about 5'10 with golden corn colored hair, and olive/blue eyes. His expression was grim, and his lips, in a straight line.
"Carson Hayes, am I right?" he nodded, "I understand you flew back here, to Minnesota, for this."
"Yes. I figured I should have."
I couldn't help but look over him one more time, he was certainly normal looking-nothing like the desirious man described by Melanie. What made him so special? "She had mentioned you quote~'love her'~unquote, is this true?" I asked curiously.
His eyes wandered to his hands that were sitting in his lap motionlessly, "I did. I really did. I have no idea why she did this! We had...she had imagined a wedding her freshman year! Of course prom came first....I wish...I...I have no words."
"Did she show you how hard she felt her life was?"
"Well Jesus! She would open up for a minute or two, but if she were on the verge of tears ot over exposing herself she would stop and go back to normal. The laughing, funny, little corky girl I loved, I guess I never noticed behind the act or wall of strength she put up. But I DO know she didn't want me to leave-she begged a few times through notes. That was her specailty, notes and poems."
"Did you see yourself getting married to her someday?"
He sighed raggedly, as if the whole world was on his shoulders, "I can't now, even if I wanted to. not now..."
I figured he knew completely that he had dodged the question so I went on, "Well I have one final thing then. If you'd come with me into a more private room."
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2011-08-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
I met someone today that I think could change my life for the better...He makes me feel special compared to everyone else. He NOTICED me, he goes out of his way to talk to me...I'm no longer invisible when he is near.
His eyes are a surprising shade of blue, when you look into them you feel mesmorized by a force to look deeper...Like some compelling force that urges your weary heart to open up, like his very gaze can heal your aching wounds. His words cover me in a sensation of sweet dreams, of true happiness. The way he makes me feel is much different then ever experienced.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
Could it be that HE is my light? My chest feels as if butterflies have flown inside and I long to see and talk to him daily. His smile makes me forget all the slashes and gashes of the past. I can't think of anything but his hands fitting perfectly in mine...I feel...comforted that he will be there for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're so cute," he said, flashing a smirk he must have perfected in the mirror, "Truly one of a kind."
I laughed, a sound that my ears missed, "Do I sense a hint of sarcasm behind such a cocky smile?"
"No..I missed you Melanie," he stated quietly, his blue gaze held mine for a moment, "How are you?"
I sighed, the old feeling of regret taking place inside me, "Not good to be honest, but better now that you're here!"
He laughed, a sound worth every penny, "So, do you want me to stick around for a while?"
I nodded, not trying to seem too eager, "Please. If you're okay with that and have nothing else planned."
He shrugged, "I can cancel."
My throat swelled in pure joy, he's staying for ME! Someone is canceling all they have doing...for ME! When we got out in the hallway I ran into his open embrace, and found myself breathing in his cologne and feeling at home with him, "Thank you."
"I wouldn't have left even if you said didn't answer my question..I missed you too much."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
It turns out my sparkling eyes young man, Nathan, now has no wanting of me. The restrictions my parents have put in front of me are INSANELY OUTRAGEOUS! I'm barely allowed outside by myself! His excuse was that we'd never be able to do anything, and he has found someone else in the past two weeks that I've been kept in my lockdown. Although now the choice I was having a horrible time making, that had to do with him and Carson (a long time crush/boyfriend) and who I would choose-was made easier...seeing now I'm only limited to one option now. I have always known Carson was the right choice, but I was head over heels for Nathan by then.
--If you hear a cracking in the night-don't be affraid, it's just my chest opening vulnerably for someone else to break me.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
This is much harder than expected. When I see Nathan walking in front of me, I long to to call out his name-for him to look and speak to me like he used to. But I bite my desire, knowing his reaction would not be as I expect. He would not have that special look on his face, one of blank rememberance would fill it's place. His words would be awkward and careless, his arms would stay at his sides-unmoving towards my hand that burned for his touch. Now I have become invisible, a speck in the canvas of colors. I was SO close to coming out of my ditch, but now I find myself even deeper yet-as if I NEEDED to be rejected by someone other than my parents. I'm back at zero. Not even God can save me now, I knew I shouldn't have exposed my heart, it only leads to hurt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
If it weren't for Carson and Monica I would be gone already. I am literally living my life for them and my siblings. Other then them I have no reason to stay. My mistakes are ever being yelled at me-a deafening sound that I can never get away from, no matter where I am. I'm breaking in every way imagineable-AND I CAN'T SHOW IT!!
~~~~~~~~
"Are you okay Mel? You've been really quiet lately...wanna talk?" asked Monica, gently setting her hand on mine.
I WANT TO SCREAM EVERYTHING!!! "No, I'm fine...just parent stuff-and I'm really tired. you know how those finals are."
"Oh well, you're always welcome at my house," she replied, smiling to enhance the generous gift.
If only I could accept the invitation and leave my two houses that only focus on my past and don't allow me to grow better in the future. "I would but I'm grounded still-thanks though Monica. Really," I put on my biggest smile I could mustser up.
"Still!?" she asked in awe, "Gee Mel, harsh huh?"
If you only knew what caused it all.
"Ha. Yeah..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt somehow horrid-monster like-to ask a girl the same age as Melanie to come into my questioning room, but I did anyways. Her eyes were puffy, and her cute little outfit was wrinkled, I tried to reassure her with a smile, "Hello Monica, I was told you are one of Melanie's best friends?"
Her stare seemed so unhuman, "Yes, I was."
"I'm sure this was very tragic for you," I returned soothingly.
"SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THIS! WE WERE GONNA GO TO COLLEGE TOGETHER! WE WERE GOING TO GET A DOG! I WAS GOING TO BE HER MAID-OF-HONOR!" she broke down, her frail body shaking with each gasp for air, "I LOVED HER LIKE A SISTER! WHAT SISTER DOES THIS TO SOMEONE?!"
I was physically incapable of anything for a moment, but quickly composed myself, "Shh, it's okay Monica. Im sorry."
"Can I be done? Please?" she pleaded.
"I just have to read you a little thing darling. Just a couple more things."

2011-08-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
One mistake changed my life, one mistake I can never take back. no one believes me anymore. I could scream the house is on fire, and they would all strut inside to make sure it TRULY was engulfed in flames. I can tell no one anything! Because no matter who it is, they tell. my life is in a microscope and being watched 24/7. I no longer have any freedoms-which shoves me-even deeper still into the dark hole Ive been trying to claw out of for months. The numbness spreads, the overwhelming wave of nauseating loneliness and rejection settles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I think pschological help would be beneficial Melanie...maybe it'd give us some answers on why exactly you've been feeling the need to act the way you do," my dad stumbled on the subject, "Don't turn it down until you've had a few sessions."
Just call me a serial killer and put me in a straight jacket NOW why don't you?!
"Umm, if that's what you think Dad," I mumbled quietly.
He cleared his throat, "I think there's more behind your choices. Ther's got to be. And I want to know what it is."
So you want to have some PHD wanna-be Doctor pick my brain? Why? To see if I need meds? Then maybe I'll be your little baby again? Newsflash Dad, I'm GROWING UP, everyone does it!!
"Sure Dad. I'll go if that's how you feel," I replied monotonously.
Might as well be a mime.
"Okay, we'll get on that tomorrow then. Right away, I promise."
Out of all the promises he's made me, this is the one he'll probably keep. Not the one where he tod me he would take me to Disney World, or get me a horse, or get off work early to attend my Band concert...But the one where he gets some stuck-up chick to ask me "and how do you feel about that?" every five minutes...He'll keep this one, I can tell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear journal,
Who would have guessed my own father wants to turn me into the psychward? I sure as hell wouldn't have. My heart dissolves with each "talk" we have. Which turns out to be nightly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you must be Karl?" I asked softly as the older man sat down in the chair in front of me, "You were Melanie's father?"
Just by the mention of her name this intimidating yet softly featured man took in a shaky breath, on the verge of tears, "That is me. Or WAS me."
His voice was rumbly but glazed with a sound of true dispair, "How would you sum up your daughter? Did you see this coming?"
"She...she was my one and only first daughter," and with that, this strongly featured man began to cry, but tried to compose himself, "Mel-Melanie was a hard kid sometimes, but so was I...Her love for the family was tremendous, she was much loved by everyone else in return. I always told her to be a leader, to stay strong. She was smart...always had her head in a book-even at the dinner table, sometimes we would have to pry it out of her hands just for her to socialize. I never knew she was going through THIS much. I didn't know exactly how she felt, she stopped opening up."
I nodded sympathetically, "So when you say she stopped opening up..do you know WHY?"
"Well...probably because some of the stuff I responded to when she DID open up, wasn't what she wanted to hear. but...she became quieter, easliy aggrivated, in a shell almost."
More like a living hell if you ask ME.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You must be Jo?" I raised my eyebrows slightly, the grandma of Melanie looked much like Lara...
She nodded curtly, That is who I would be, and you?"
For a moment I didn't know how to respond, but stuck out my hand, "Grace Omen, nice to meet you."
She shook it gently then sat down, "Now don't think my granddaughter was a bad ass type girl. She was just the opposite really. Compassionate, and she sure loved banana bread."
Once again silenced by the her response and upfront personality I tried to understand her reasoning for telling me this.
"I just didn't want you to look at her case of...taking her life and automatically think she's an angry average teen getting back at her parents or getting away from bullies. I may not know the exact reason, but I know I wish she'd have talked to me first. Foolish girl, never really liked looking helpless in front of others."
I cleared my throat, "I can promise you I thought no such thing."
She fluttered her eyes, quickly wiping a tear off her cheek, "She should have talked to me, always pretend'n to be strong-that one is. Like her mother.

2011-08-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

"I can only remember a loving girl who always wanted to help, with a very outgoing personality."

"She was one of my best friendss, I never saw it coming. I mean-there were obviously problems she had but she always seemed so happy."

She made a lot of bad decisions in her life but not once did I see this result coming from her. I loved her with every bone in my body."

"We were going to bring her to a psychologist thinking that she needed professional help of somesort-she always denied going."

"I think her life was like every teenagers to be honest. I'm not sure why she felt the need to do this to herself and all of us."

"She was my grand daughter what am I supposed to say? I loved her with all my heart-and spoiled her when I had the chance-I never saw this coming. No Grandma should outlive her grand daughter. I wish this upon no one."
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Dear Journal,
Every small thing that happens to me seems so big. I can'tcontrol my need to cry or scream-I feel cold inside...No matter how hard I try, I never do anything right.
~~
"Melanie, did you do the dishes?"
"Yes mother-the dishes are done! I did them right when I came home. No worries," I replied annoyed already.
"Are you kidding me!" she screams, "Did you even CLEAN the counters?"
My head snapped up, had I forgotten to clean the counters? I SWORE I did them..."I'm pretty sure I did them Mom. Why?"
"If you did them, they look like shit! Are you a dumb ass? Do you do EVERYTHING half ass? I can't just come home to a clean house can I? THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHORE! HOW IS THIS HARD?!" she yelled again rolling her eyes, "EVERY FUCKING TIME."
I hung my head, "Mom I thought I did them, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, whatever. Go to your room. I don't want to see your face anymore."
I slowly drifted up the stairs feeling the heaviness of yet another rejection, failure, my day shattered. Tears stung my eyes but I forced them away. I'm not going to cry. No. I sit on my bed-not wanting to touch anything-thinking my luck will somehow pass on to something else unsuspecting, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone-or anything for that matter.
I can hear my mother and little brother laughing downstairs...the three words I so rarely hear said to me are loud enough for me to catch. "Gage, honey, I love you."
More laughter...without me.
~~~
Dear Journal,
Have you ever felt hollow? Like when the wind blows, or someone looks at you-it just goes straight through? Your body is heavy as lead, and the tears seem to pour like a never ending leak? I can't seem to hold a smile for longer then a second. My laughter no longer spews from my mouth. My heart no longer beats in time with everyone elses...it has a slower, more painful thump. Am I still a person?

The top 4 sentences I hear daily.
1.)"Melanie! Is your room clean!?"
2.)"Melanie you're not going to church!"
3.)"Are you fucking retarded?"
4.)"You have no common sense whatsoever. You are screwed in the real world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sit down with my notepad in front of the mother of this girl-Melanie Genus. The girl who thought suicide was her only way out.
So many things were racing through my mind-but only one question did I want a truthful answer, "Did you love her?'
This woman's startling green gaze looked shocked at my question, "My daughter? Of course!"
I nodded as if debating her answer which got her to expand on it more, "I mean-we didn't have the GREATEST relationship by any means-but yes. I loved her, very much. Why do you ask?'
I was not of privilage at that time to say why I had specifically asked that question, so I asked another, "Would you please expand on your twos relationship?"
She thought about it a minute or so, "Her and I...we were like oil and water. We did not mix. But what mother is a teenagers best friend?"
As if to answer her own question, her smile slowly crept off her face. Now an expression of utter heartache, "We never really got along. But I loved her."
The only thing I could think of was, did Melanie KNOW that..??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
No one knows of my feelings of darkness, church keeps preaching of a light at the end. The goodness that always prevails, the savior that takes your hand and leads you to the land of the promised. Something to guide you to where you belong. I don't have one. I feel alone, stranded on a place no one knows of. I am still on Earth, but the pain goes much deeper.

Dear Journal,
My father and I used to be so close, but now it feels like we are no longer on the same page. Is it possible I am the cause? Is it possible that I am the one who is once again breaking something without meaning to? I am no longer a baby-but he thinks I have no REAL emotions, only those a five year old would have...I don't want anyone to know of my blackness. Instead of me being broken beyond repair, I will pretend to be the brave princess...Just like I did when I was five.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't give me attitude Melanie!" he said rasing his voice slightly, "Did I say I was done?"
I shook my head, "No I suppose not."
"I have not the slightest idea what's going on right now but fix it. Where's my cute little, grade A student who just wanted Daddy Time? I want HER back." The old glint of grey in his eyes replaced the sapphire sparkle that used to be there-that used to shine so bright. Highlights of white, and thinning of hair-took a tole on my father. Had I done this? Could my mistakes make such things happen? he shook his head and whispered, "I just want my little girl back..."
~~~
"YOU made this happen Melanie! YOU'RE mistakes and screw-ups! Obviously my way of talking it out with you didn't work! So I'm done, I'm taking action! You make think your life is soo bad-but is it really? Cuz I'm thinkin you've had it pretty damn easy over the years! I was ALWAYS on your side! YOU WERE ALWAYS MY LITTLE GIRL, I ALWAYS BELIEVED YOU! I can't do that anymore, you've made me a fool. I tried Mel, I really did." --My Dad